I Can’t Help Myself

Peter Parker is leaving the office for the day when he is stopped by his business partner, Sajani Jaffrey. She reminds him that he needs to read a report for a meeting in the morning. Peter heads home trying to focus on this task when two police cars speed by with their lights on, prompting him to change into Spider-Man. When he arrives on the scene he discovers the police were responding to a car accident and that the situation will well under control. Before he heads for him, Spider-Man spots a cell phone on the ground and picks it up. Knowing how much it sucks to lose a phone, Spider-Man decides to find its owner.

Nobody on the scene claims the phone and an officer on the scene suggests that Spider-Man try calling its owner. Unfortunately, the phone is locked. As he swings around trying to figure out what to do next, the phone begins to ring. Answering it, he tries to explain to the caller what’s going on when suddenly his spider-sense begins going off. That’s when the building he is standing near suddenly explodes. Spider-Man leaps out of the danger and prevents the phone from breaking on the ground. He spots Hawkeye, who asks Spider-Man to help him with a gang of arsonists who have been terrorizing people in Chinatown. After helping Hawkeye round up the crooks, he agrees to go and grab a bite to eat.

Stopping at a local pizza joint, Spider-Man asks Hawkeye how he can unlock this cell phone so he can figure out who the owner is.[1] Unfortunately, the archer is just as clueless as the web-slinger. However, Hawkeye finds some clues as to who the owner might be. Looking at the phone’s wallpaper, Hawkeye points out that the couple who own the phone are probably German tourists based on the fact that the man in the photo is wearing the jersey for a German soccer team. Based on this, Hawkeye suggests that Spider-Man try looking for the owner at one of the city’s man landmarks.

Spider-Man checks Central Park, Broadway, Rockafeller Plaza, the Empire State Building, and Times Square. He stops to take a break and laments that will never find the rightful owner. That’s when a family asks if their children can take a picture with him. Spider-Man poses with the kids when suddenly the phone begins to ring again and he takes off to answer it. He learns that the owner is at the airport and his flight is coming soon. Spider-Man asks him to hang tight and that he’ll be there soon.

Unfortunately, as Spider-Man heads for the airport, he spots the Menagerie committing a robbery in the Diamond District. Annoyed that the crooks are doing this now when he is in a hurry, Spider-Man quickly takes them down before continuing to the airport. The whole time Spider-Man keeps changing his mind about if he is going to make it on time or not. Luckily he does and while the German tourists are grateful to have their phone back, they have to wonder if Spider-Man has better things he could be doing.

While Spider-Man assures the tourists that he doesn’t, Peter Parker is in hot water the following morning when Sajani discovers that he didn’t read the report the night before. He tells her that he lost his phone and was distracted. She tells him that he has an hour before the meeting and tells him to read the report now. After she leaves, Peter can’t focus on the task at hand and is relieved when he looks out the window and sees two police cars speed by.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Menagerie (White Rabbit, Hippo, Skein, Panda-Mania), Hawkeye, Sajani Jaffrey

Continuity Notes

1. Hawkeye states that he is deaf again. The first time he was struck deaf was in Hawkeye #4, the damage done to his ears was caused by Crossfire. However, his hearing was repaired by Franklin Richards when he and the other Avengers were transported to Counter-Earth after the battle with Onslaught, this was explained in Avengers Annual 1999. His ears were damaged a second time in Hawkeye (vol. 4) #14 when the Clown jammed arrows into his ears.

The A-May-Zing Spider-Aunt

A stupid humor story about Aunt May forcing the Sinister Six to help her with her knitting.

The Quiet Room

Doctor Bong has recruited Angar the Screamer and the Headmen to help him break into the Beyond Corporation. There the Doctor intends to gain access to Anechoic Chamber where he and Chondu the Mystic will combine their science and magic skills to create a “Cosmic Bong” that will open up the multiverse and allow Doctor Bong to become a god.

As the pair enter the Anechoic Chamber, the rest of the Headmen and Angar the Screamer try to contemplate what the world will be like with Doctor Bong as its god. They all agree that the world will be fine as long as they exist in a world where Spider-Man tells jokes. That’s when the web-slinger arrives on the scene. He is eerily quiet and takes out all of the crooks, including Doctor Bong, who’s claims of godhood were apparently oversold.

When SHIELD agents arrive to collect the criminals, one of the agents thanks Spider-Man for his help and discover that the web-slinger can barely talk because he has come down with laryngitis.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Headmen (Gorilla-Man, Shrunken Bones, Ruby Thursday, Chondu the Mystic), Doctor Bong, Angar the Screamer, SHIELD

Continuity Notes