JIMMY OLSEN IS A REPUBLICAN TALKING POINT… AND A MASSIVE SEXIST

“What!?” you must be asking yourself, as you either prepare to either (a) praise my article (you Libritard!) or (b) condemn me on Twitter (you conservative cocksucker!) You are also probably wondering what I could possibly mean. Superman’s pal is just a dork in a bow tie, he couldn’t possibly be a walking political statement? What could he have possibly done that would make him the epitome of political rhetoric? Then it finally hits you like a piano falling out of a 10th-floor window…. “You don’t mean…”

Yes, dear reader, our pal Jimmy Olsen has dressed up as a woman not once — but on three different occasions (four if you count Post Crisis.) LGTB issues are basically the last bastion of human rights in the civilized world, and wouldn’t it be great if Jimmy Olsen was a positive role model for transgendered people out there? That would be fantastic. However, I’m sorry to burst your bubble kids, but not only is Jim soul-crushingly cisgender, he’s basically the epitome of every white-haired, patriarchal, saber-rattling, 1% fear monger who works on Capitol Hill. Don’t believe me? Well buckle up and get ready to start fuming.A fair warning people, be prepared for some dark turns in this little article.

SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN #67 – LESLIE LOWE, GIRL REPORTER!

In this story, Jimmy basically gets himself in trouble when he is offered a job to work at the Globe, a rival newspaper, for a higher salary.  After realizing he needs a raise, Jimmy tries to get one from his boss Perry White and is refused; Jimmy quits and tries to get the job at the Globe. However, when he gets there he learns that the job was filled by a female reporter.

Needing money, Jimmy tries to find other work but finds that all the employers are looking for female employees. Jimmy then decides that if you can’t beat them, join them….

As “Leslie Lowe”, Jimmy then manages to get his old job back at the Daily Planet, where he tricks everyone into thinking he’s really a woman. Jimmy’s plan? To screw everything up to prove to Perry White that he’s better than a female and get his job back.

Jimmy tries everything to get fired: by putting ice into Perry’s coffee, trying to lose charity money, to calling Perry “chief”. All of these attempts fail, thanks to the intervention of Superman. Going out for dinner with Lois Lane goes wrong when a woman mistakes Jimmy having something in his eye for winking at her husband. Eventually Jimmy has enough when Perry offers “Leslie” a raise he throws a fit and reveals his disguise. Joke’s on him apparently, everyone at the Daily Planet knew it was Jimmy the whole time because he forgot to take off his signal watch.

The Anti-Moral of the Story: Apparently, according to Jimmy, men are better than women at jobs, so much so that you can disguise yourself as one and do a better job.

SUPERMAN’S PAL, JIMMY OLSEN #84 – JIMMY OLSEN’S FEMALE FAN!

In this story, Jimmy Olsen has a fan-club, because of course, he does. When the leader of the fan club moves out of town, Jimmy decides to put on a competition to see who is best suited to take over. Wouldn’t you know it, with the departure of one kid signals the arrival of another potential member, Jackie Oliver. Much to the boy’s surprise “Jackie” turns out to be a woman. Also, they are apparently too ditch stupid to figure out it’s really Jimmy in disguise.

Realizing that there are no rules in their charter to prevent a female from being a member of the fan club, they then decide that they need to force “Jackie” out of the club by making her do things that they think a “normal” woman would never do.

Jimmy passes the first test, capturing toads, snakes, and lizards from a nearby pond… because apparently that’s too gross for a woman? When the club members prove more chicken than “Jackie,” they move onto the next phase. He also passes all the quizzes and tests about Jimmy’s life that they pose. “Jackie” later wins leadership when her display is a lock of Jimmy’s hair taken from his barbershop — ew, creepy….

Disappointed that they now led by a female, the Jimmy Olsen fans are then forced to paint freckles on their faces and dye their hair red. 

Now before “Jackie” can get the Kool-Aid passed around in her weird cult she has going on, one of the club members catches wise in one of the most monumentally stupid moments of exposition possible.

With his ruse exposed, Jimmy explains that this was all some elaborate hoax to see who was truly worthy of being the leader of the Jimmy Olsen fan club. Is it just me, or does the Jimmy Olsen fan club sound like a training camp for Republican bathroom guards?The Anti-Moral of the Story Is: Be suspicious of any woman who is really good at the same things you’re into. Chances are it’s a man in disguise who is trying to trick you. The plot to this story must have been adapted for legislation in North Carolina.

SUPERMAN’S PAL, JIMMY OLSEN #95 – “MISS JIMMY OLSEN

When Jimmy Olsen tries to get the dirt on supposedly reformed mobster “Big Monte” McGraw he decides the best way to get close enough is to go into disguise as a woman again and auditioning as a chorus girl. Did I mention that McGraw is producing a stage show as a front for his criminal activities? McGraw stole some jewels and Jimmy has made it his mission to find them.

Jimmy manages to fool McGraw and his men and becomes part of a chorus line, almost a little too well. Turns out McGraw develops a sweet spot for “Julie Ogden” the “new girl in town”, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend Maisie. McGraw, probably trying to entice some kind of sexist cat-fight insists that “Julie” stay with Maisie. The writers decide this petty rivalry wasn’t wack enough and tossed in a monkey for good measure.

McGraw soon becomes pretty obsessed with Jimmy’s alter ego and starts grooming her to take Maisie’s place. When a rival mobster tries to cut in on the date McGraw is on with “Julie,” he has him executed in the most horrific way anyone could have died back in the days of the Comics Code Authority — off-panel! Then McGraw takes “Julie” back home where he has all the smooth moves of a high school kid out on his first date…

At one point, Jimmy pretends to be sick so he can be left alone in Maisie’s apartment to search for the stolen jewels. McGraw, unimpressed that his new favorite Saturday night thing isn’t reporting for practice decides to go and see what’s up. Not only does McGraw catch Jimmy red-handed, he finally clues into the fact that “Julie” is not who she claims to be. It’s a moment that makes the big reveal in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective seem almost tasteful by comparison.

Before McGraw can follow through on his spot on impression from Boy’s Don’t Cry, he is cracked over the head by the chimpanzee wielding a baseball bat. This Dunston Checks In–level of comedic intervention probably saved us all from needing a cold shower where we try to contemplate the darkness that lives in the heart of man. The story ends with Superman helping Jimmy find the stolen jewels and then some good old fashioned 1950s sexual harassment. What a wholesome story!

Anti-Moral of the Story: … Umm…. “No Dames Have an Adam’s Apple!” I guess?

SUPERMAN’S PAL, JIMMY OLSEN #159 – “THE DAY THEY UNMASKED MR. ACTION!”

In this oddly-named tale, Jimmy has just finished teaching members of the Metropolis police force the art of disguise when he is suddenly accused of committing a crime. Escaping the authorities, Jimmy finds that the only way to hide is to disguise himself as a woman once again.Jimmy’s disguise works up until he decides to buy a hot dog from a vendor….

How did Jimmy get caught well let’s have Officer Hot Dog Vendor answer that one…

So basically Jimmy gets done in because he forgot to take off his signal watch… again… At the end of this story, it turns out that Jimmy being “framed” was only a test to see how effective this team of disguise artists were and catch another crook. Basically, this story took all the “charm” of the other three tales and squeezed all the life out of them to make this one. Pretty fun huh?Anti-Mortal of the Story: Seriously man, hot dogs are bad for you.

TODAY’S ARTICLE IN SUMMATION

Wow, thanks for following me through on all of that, we had some laughs which were quickly crushed with crippling realities. At the start of this article, I said that Jimmy Olsen was a “Republican talking point”. When I began writing this series of articles I didn’t just want to crap on a sort-of beloved comic book character (although I’ll admit that this was my major motivator, I seriously hate Jimmy Olsen), but I also wanted to say something profound and topical. While doing a lot of the research for this article was during the ongoing struggle that LGTB communities still have in North America today, especially in the United States. It’s just insane the type of nonsense people will spout out of ignorance. The whole “bathroom law” debate was just Beyond Thunderdome of absurdity.When I hear Republicans and conservatives on the news talk about their “concerns” about transgendered people using bathrooms other than their birth gender its feels like I’m living in a dark and gritty reboot of these awful Jimmy Olsen stories from the 50s and 60s. The Jimmy Olsen in these stories is reflective of the hateful narrative they’re trying to espouse. Trans people are not out there to deceive us or have any nefarious intent. That way of thinking is as ridiculous and stupid as the plots to these stories. They just want somewhere to pee where they feel comfortable. Don’t be a real life-wrecking idiot, be tolerant to those around you and strive for equality for everyone.Also, all this talk about hot dogs has made me hungry for hot dogs.