The Replacement Thor, Part 3: Thorcules versus Hercuthor!

Hercules has found himself in quite a predicament. He was by Malekith the Dark Elf (who was disguised as Balder) into overthrowing the Queen Alflyse of Svartalfheim under the false pretense that she was planning to invade Midgard. Disguised as Thor, Herc and his father Zeus ventured there to find out what Alflyse was up to.[1] However, Hercules being Hercules, the mission took a sideline while he and Alflyse partied and slept together. Little did Hercules know that in doing so they were now married. Believing that her husband is Thor, this has convinces Queen Alflyse to invade all of the Nine Worlds.

With the invasion about to begin, Hercules pleads with Zeus to summon a storm to delay it. At first, Zeus refuses as Hercules got into this mess by thinking with his dick instead of his brain.

Despite this refusal it begins to rain and Zeus insists that he had nothing to do with it. That’s when they see who was responsible. Thor (now disguised as Hercules) has arrived with the Warriors Three (Frandral, Hogun, and Volstagg) have come to stop this insanity from going any further. They have come with paperwork that “Thor” can only reclaim his birthright as ruler after defeating Asgard’s chosen champion. The Warriors Three have selected “Hercules” as their champion to fight “Thor”.[2] Herc tries to wiggle out of the fight by telling Alflyse how Hercules had defeated Thor in the past. However, this doesn’t dissuade Alflyse who recalls that Hercules only won that bout because Odin sought to shame his son at the time.[3]

When the two combatants meet and are out of earshot of Alflyse, Hercules complains to Thor that it is Balder that was responsible for getting them into this mess. This sounds strange to Thor and he promises that they’ll get to the bottom of it once the battle is over. That’s when Zeus starts cheering for “Hercules” to win this bout. The real Herc explains why Zeus is now a child and that he was up all night reading about Thor and sees him as a hero. Thor is not disappointed to hear this and decides that they need to put on a good show. That’s when Hercules sucker punches Thor and then engages in dirty fighting before knocking Thor into some ruins. Hercules believes the job is done, but Thor quickly recovers from the attack. When he attacks Hercules, thunder is called down from the heavens as he strikes his blows.

This is observed from afar by Malekith and his army. His resident sorcerer sees the lightning and knows that this is the work of the real Thor and fears that their deception is about to be exposed. However, Malekith has faith that his cunning and trickery will win out in the end.

Back at the scene of the battle, the fight between Hercules and Thor rages on with neither combatant showing signs of slowing. As they grapple, Thor tells Herc to go down so they can end this charade. However, Hercules tells him that his deceptions have totally fooled the Dark Elves into thinking he is the real Thor. He explains that if Thor wants to win this fight, then he is going to have to fight like Hercules would in this situation. Thor obliges Hercules by kicking him in the nuts. As Herc crumples in pain, Thor then gives him a wedgie and then asks if he surrenders. Hercules bows before Thor and surrenders and uses this opportunity to tell everyone gathered that “Thor” had been utterly defeated by “Hercules”.

Later, with the invasion cancelled, Thor and Hercules enjoy the downtime passing a flask of mead between one another. Herc tells young Zeus that the lesson to learn from this incident is that there is no such thing as a truly noble hero that he dreams of. He says that even the gods must struggle to do their best every day and sometimes one has to play dirty. Zeus doesn’t agree that this is any kind of moral but they are interrupted when Malekith arrives to get his revenge. He summons the warrior Grendell to slay his foes but the massive Dark Elf is struck down by Zeus with a powerful bolt of lightning.

That’s when Queen Alflyse shows up and reveals that she knows the truth and that Hercules was posing as Thor this whole time. While she should be pissed off at him, she admits that it has been a while since a man has taken so many foolish risks just to get into her bed. Given his prowess in the bedroom she decides to take him for another romp in the sheets. As Hercules heads off, Thor and the Warriors Three raise a toast to Hercules for what he has accomplished this day. Zeus, on the other hand, still can’t understand why they are praising him since — in his opinion — Hercules has cheapens and disgraces everything with his presence. The Asgardians don’t disagree that Hercules employs unorthodox methods, the point is that he saved the day in the end and that’s all that matters. Thor also knows what it is like to try do the right thing when also being humbled and praised by a domineering father. All Hercules wants is to gain the approval and acceptance of his father.

Zeus ponders this for a moment and then asks them to explain the “Elven Tickler” that Alflyse mentioned before taking Hercules back to her room. Embarrassed by the idea of explaining a sexual act to a child, Thor promises to explain it once Zeus is old enough to shave.

Recurring Characters

Hercules, Thor, Zeus, Alflyse, Malekith, Warriors Three (Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg), Grendell

Continuity Notes

1. Zeus appears as a child here. He was killed when Olympus was invaded by the Japanese god known as Amatsu-Mikaboshi in Ares #1-5. Hercules ventured to Hades to resurrect him as a in Incredible Hercules #129-131. He will remain in as a child until Incredible Hercules #141.

2. At the time of this story the real Thor had been exiled from Asgard after he was forced to kill his grandfather, Bor. See Thor #600.

3. They are referring to the events of Thor #126, the first present day battle between Thor and Hercules. At the time, Odin was pissed at Thor for revealing to Jane Foster that he and Donald Blake (her employer and romantic interest at the time) were one and the same.