Relevant Experience

Peter Parker is spending time at the Coffee Bean while he searches the newspaper classified to find a job.[1] That’s when Carlie Cooper enters and tells him that she got him an interview for a crime scene photographer job at the NYPD. Peter is grateful for Carlie for getting him the interview and rushes home to get his best photos.

At the interview, the officer reviewing Peter’s photos asks if he has anything other than pictures of Spider-Man. Peter explains that he only brought his best work, pointing out that all of these photos got on the front page of the Daily Bugle. The officer says that he’s looking for someone who can look past the artistic flair and be able to get the smaller details. Carlie goes out of her way to vouch for Peter and, just as Peter is about to consider this a bust, the officer decides to give Peter a chance to prove his worth. When Peter arrives on his first crime scene gig, he tells Carlie that he’s been studying for this by watching years of crime shows on television. Cooper reminds him that a TV show is not the best teacher and tells him the most important part of the job is to observe and document even the tinest details.

When they begin combing the crime scene, Peter keeps on offering his opinions based on his experiences as Spider-Man. When they find yellow plastic fragments and assumes that they are pumpkin bombs used by Menace,[2] when he observes holes in the side of a safe he assumes it was caused by the Rhino. When he observes scratch marks on a wall he presumes they were caused by the Lizard. When interviewing eye-witnesses, they mention the perpetrator wore a red suit he assumes they are talking about the Shocker. After this, Peter tells Carlie that this is all much easier than he thought it would be, insulting her.

When they arrive at the scene of a drug lab, Peter tells the lead detective that they’ve got the situation from here and Carlie pulls Peter aside and tells him to show their superiors respect and reminds him that his job is to take pictures and keep his mouth shut. Peter understands and suddenly feels bad and realizes that he’s been stepping on his friend’s toes all day after she went to bat for him. As he photographs the crime scene, Peter’s spider-sense begins going off and it brings him to a false bookshelf which is the secret door to where a large quantity of Mutant Growth Hormone is being stored. Since these samples are all based on animal DNA he assumes that this is the work of the Freak and rushes to go and tell Carlie. However, before he can give her his theory she begins mocking him by suggesting that it’s various other villains. She then says that what this was all a big mistake and she realizes that she can’t mix work with her personal friendships since one always suffers and she has decided that she isn’t going to let her job suffer. Peter gets her message loud and clear.

Later that night, when Carlie is off work for the day she finds Peter waiting for her on the bench outside the police precinct. When she asks what he’s doing there, he tells her that he wanted to make sure they wrap things up and get their friendship back on track. She admits that she over reacted when she shouted at Peter but tells him that she has worked hard to be good at her job but sometimes the job gets the better of her as a result. When Carlie says that forensics were able to find a lead on who was behind the MGH operation and Peter blurts out that he thinks that it was the Freak. She corrects him, showing him hair and fingerprint evidence that points to Franco Karnelli of the Karnelli crime family. Peter is shocked, but Carlie says that criminals do all manner of horrible things and not all of them wear capes. Now that they have smoothed things over, Carlie decides its time to talk to Peter about how his photos turned out and she has to tell him that he dosen’t have what it takes to be a crime scene photographer. Peter is disappointed but figures he’d rather have Carlie as a friend anyway and suggests they go out for coffee.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Harry Osborn, Carlie Cooper

Continuity Notes

1. This story takes place after Peter quit his job at the DB! circa Amazing Spider-Man #561.

2. Peter quips that Menace is their “man-ish” this is a nod to the fact that despite the outwardly male appearance, Menace was actually Lilly Hollister who altered her physical appearance when she activated her powers. For more on Menace’s secret identity see Amazing Spider-Man #585-588.

Topical References

• As you can imagine, a story like this takes advantage of making a lot of references to the television show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and its countless spin-offs. These should all be considered topical because they are also incredibly dated. For example, Peter says he’s been practicing for this moment every Thursday night for nine years because at the time this comic was published CSI aired on that night and was in its 9th season. The original CSI ended its televised run in 2015. In fact, as I write this (August 2020) there hasn’t been a CSI series on TV since 2016.

Treasure Hunted

As fanboys all over the city crowd their computers for her latest feed, Screwball comes online and asks her audience to make suggestions about what they should do this time. That’s when Josh, her camera man, tells him that someone is hacking their feed. The hacker in question is a man calling himself the Mad Hacker and he challenges Screwball to prove that she is as much a master of parkour as she claims to be. He has decided to send her on a scavenger hunt saying that she get to three locations within the next hour. Each location will have a clue that will lead her to the next. If she fails, she shows Screwball footage of a little boy named James who is suspended over the ledge of a building by a construction crane. The Mad Hacker warns Screwball that if she should fail, the little boy will be dropped to his death.

With the clock ticking, Screwball is ordered to go to the roof of the First National Bank. She complies with the Mad Hacker’s orders, but vows to find out who he is because nobody upstages her on her own webseries. With Screwball’s progress being pulled from the city’s CCTV cameras to the internet, Josh keeps Screwball and her viewing audience up to date and what’s going on in the area. He warns Screwball that the police have been alerted to a bank robbery at First National and that the caller has claimed Screwball is the ringleader of the heist. Avoiding police gunfire, Screwball manages to get onto the roof but before she can reach the note that has been taped onto a vent she is ambushed by Spider-Man. Although Spider-Man tries to apprehend her, Screwball manages to evade his attempts. She manages to get the note and tells Spider-Man to leave her alone because she has a life to save and if he doesn’t believe her, check her show.

Curious, Spider-Man goes down to the street and finds a man watching Screwball’s show on his laptop and discovers what she is saying is the truth. By this point, Screwball has reached her second location to find even more cops waiting for her. As she evades the authorities, she calls out to Spider-Man — whom she knows is watching — and tells her to help her out already. When she gets the second clue, an officer manages to get the drop on her, but Spider-Man arrives and pulls Screwball out of harm’s way. As Spider-Man swings them both across the city, she tells the web-slinger that the third clue is at the Maxwell’s Building on the East Side. However, along the way they are delayed when Spider-Man accidentally gets them stuck to the side of a pursuing police helicoper.

They arrive at the Maxwell’s Building with less than a minute to spare. However, the Mad Hacker detonates the explosives on the crane, sending little James falling to his doom. Luckily, Spider-Man is able to save the boy. When it’s all over, Spider-Man notices that Screwball fled the scene and left him a note. Leaving Spider-Man to deduce that Screwball set the whole thing up. Back at her hideout, Screwball is furious over one of her crew devising the Mad Hacker persona and using real explosives. She punches the “Mad Hacker” out for putting lives an innocent kid at risk, especially since the child in question is her cousin’s kid. However, despite all of this, the online donations and requests for advertising have come rolling in as this was Screwball’s best stream yet. Watching Spider-Man swing by, Screwball admits that while this was all a rush, she is just an internet celebrity while Spider-Man has the real magic and wonders how she can get her hands on one of his web-shooters.

Recurring Characters

Screwball, Spider-Man

No More Hay!

With the costumed villain known as the Hay-Monger destroying the city’s reserve of hay, Spider-Ham has been busy trying to stop the crook.[1] His daughter, Swiney-Girl happens upon the crook while on her way home from school at Pigtown High. During their battle, the Hay-Monger is furious that he has to face Spider-Ham’s sidekick and quickly escapes through the sewers. Not wanting to follow after him, Swiney-Girl takes off hoping the villain will resurface.

This whole scene is observed by Bunsen Bunny and Upton Adam Stray, who work for the Daily Beagle. They rush back to the paper and try to convince owner J. Jeremiah Jackal that Swiney-Girl was helping the Hay-Monger. Editor Peter Proker, on the other hand, points out that they don’t need the facts. Jeremiah on the other hand, believes in his late father’s editorial mandate that “facts are for sissies” and its their job to sell newspapers.

Peter Porker returns home to scold his daughter for going out web-slinging even thought he told her not to, showing her the front page of the Beagle, which is accusing her of being in league with the Hay-Monger. Peter decides that he is the one who is going to go out and catch the Hay-Monger and force him to confess that May had nothing to do with his crimes. However, May insists on coming along, Peter resigns but tells her not to tell her mother. Soon, Spider-Ham and Swiney-Girl are on the prowl. They track down the Hay-Monger at Happy Hay, a business owned Happy Hoag. As they battle the villain, Bunsen and Upton arrive on the scene.

The battle takes a turn when the Hay-Monger manages to magnatize Spider-Ham’s cybernetic leg sending him flying toward a grain silo. Thankfully, Swiney-Girl is able to spin a web net to catch her father. She then uses her webbing to plug the Hay-Monger’s hay-ray causing it to explode in his face. Trapped in a stack of hay, the villain is unmasked, revealing him to be Sorrowful Sow, Happy Hoag’s evil twin brother. With the Hay-Monger defeated with proof that Swiney-Girl isn’t invovled with the criminal, Spider-Ham and Swiney-Girl head for home.

Recurring Characters

Swiney-Girl, Spider-Ham, Bunsen Bunny, J. Jeremiah Jackal

Continuity Notes

1. In case it’s not obvious, this story takes place in an alternate reality of anthropomorphic animals. The Unofficial Appendix of the Marvel Universe designates this as Reality-94024.