Sweet Charity

J. Jonah Jameson has called a staff meeting at the Daily Bugle to spitball ideas for a charity fundraiser to raise money for to help the victims of a terrorist attack. When Joe Robertson points out that Jonah has already held five charities and donated a lot of his own money for the relief effort, Jonah refuses to stop because this is his city. When Peter points out that the world has changed, but Jonah tells him to keep his mouth shut or he’s fired. He then has Betty Brant list off all of the celebrities that are involved in the auction. The list includes list of Hollywood celebrities as well as members of the superhero community, with a popular late night talk show host as host. The only names on the list that Jameson doesn’t want are the members of the X-Men, saying they are over exposed.

That’s when J. Jonah Jameson surprises everyone by telling Peter Parker to use his connections to get Spider-Man to partificpate in the auction. When Peter points out that Jonah hates the web-slinger, Jonah doesn’t care about his animosity toward Spider-Man if it means selling more tickets to the event. Peter isn’t sure if he can get Spider-Man to come, but when Jonah implies that his job is on the line, Peter gets annoyed and leaves the meeting telling Jonah that he’ll see what he can do. Jameson then has Betty Brant continue naming other celebrities that are interested.

Changing into Spider-Man, Peter Parker web-slings across the city to blow off some steam, wondering who would spend money to have lunch with him. That’s when he runs into the Human Torch and the Thing of the Fantastic Four. As it truns out, the Torch threatened to roast Jameson alive if he didn’t include Spider-Man in the auction. Johnny tires to mock Spider-Man as being on the same level of a certain stand-up comedian, the Thing defends the comic by pointing out his stand-up is edgier than the sitcoms he is known to be on. The causes the Torch to get insulted and he takes off. The Thing then convinces Spider-Man that participating is important, reminding the web-slinger that even he’s putting himself on the auction block as well.

Later, Mac Gargan is listening to the television while lifting weights and hears about the charity event being organized by J. Jonah Jameson.[1] Hearing that both Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson are going to be involved, Gargan decides to do his part as well and continues working out. Also watching the announcement is Al Kraven who is in bed with his girlfriend Timber Hughes. Kraven thinks its delicious irony that Spider-Man and Jameson are going to be on the same charity show and asks Timber to RVSP for them. The following morning, Peter confides in his Aunt May and tells her that he doesn’t think anyone is going to try to bid on Spider-Man. Aunt May thinks that Peter is being too hard on himself and tells him that he is just as good as Johnny Storm.[2]

Later that day, Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson are put on the auction block at the same time. The bidders are competing to go on a weekend camping trip with either one in the Poconos. The bids are hardly coming in until Timber Hayes asks the host if they can bid on Jameson and Spider-Man going on a camping trip together if she can’t go. When this is confrimed, Al Kraven then begins bidding to make sure that this happens. Nobody is able to outbid Kraven, and he wins the bet.

As Jameson grumbles over the situation, Joe Robertson reminds him that this is all for charity and it’s just for the weekend, then points out that there could be a good story in it for the Daily Bugle. Jonah likes this idea since he hasn’t had a by-line in a while and figures he could use this weekend to grill Spider-Man with questions. While elsewhere in the city, Spider-Man wraps up some crooks dreading his camping trip, predicting that Jameson will use the opportunity to try and interview him for the paper.

The following day, Spider-Man and Jameson spend their time bickering with each other as they try to find a place to set up camp. As they argue with each other they are unaware that the Scorpion is watching them and plotting revenge.[3] That’s when the pair are interrupted by a news crew who have come to see how they are getting along. The two only stop bickering long enough for Spider-Man to web the reporter’s mouth shut for asking too many questions. Watching this from home, Al Kraven is deeply amused by what his money has bought. That evening, while eating a can of beans, the Scorpion is surrounded by a pack of wolves but manages to fight them off with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, Spider-Man and Jonah set up camp for the night and Jameson gets a good laugh when the web-slinger can’t figure out how to set up his tent and accidentally throws it into a nearby lake when he can’t figure it out. He mocks Spider-Man for not being a real man and reminices about how his father taught him how to be a man.[4] Spider-Man decides to have some fun by knocking down Jonah’s tent. When they finally have camp set up, Spider-Man tries to get Jameson to admit that he is jealous of him. Jonah refuses to admit any such thing, saying that Spider-Man’s isn’t a hero like cops or fire fighters. Jonah gets so worked up that he that he challenges Spider-Man to a fist fight. This makes Spider-Man to laugh his head off. Deciding he isn’t going to fight and spots some berries to eat. Knowing these will make Spider-Man sick to his stomach, Jonah has the last laugh when Spider-Man runs into the bushes to take a shit while Jonah has the toilet paper in his tent.

The following day, Spider-Man and Jonah continue their trek. Meanwhile, the Scorpion comes upon some picknickers and scares them off so he can eat their food. However, once he has sat down for the fest he doesn’t see the bear that has come out of the woods behind him. As the Scorpion battles the bear, Spider-Man and Jameson have had enough of each other and have decided to go their separate ways. That is until Jonah runs into the Scorpion and Spider-Man has to rescue him. During the fight, Spider-Man lures his foe into a cave where the Scorpion is ambushed by a family of bears. With his enemy down, Spider-Man webs up the Scorpion and escorts Jameson back to civilization.

Once back in the story, Jonah publishes his “weekend of terror” with Spider-Man as the front page story in the Daily Bugle. Later, he meets with a number of other celebriteis who were part of the auction at the Tavern on the Green to share their experiences. When Jonah wonders if Spider-Man read his article, one of the actors points to a banner that Spider-Man hung in the nearby trees proclaiming that Jameson cries in his sleep like a little girl, much to Jonah’s irritation.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, J. Jonah Jameson, Scorpion, Betty Brant, Joe Robertson, Al Kraven, Timber Hughes, Aunt May, Human Torch, Thing, Avengers (Captain America, Thor, Hawkeye), Matt Murdock, She-Hulk

Continuity Notes

1. It’s mentioned during this broadcast that Giant-Man used to call himself Ant-Man. Henry Pym has gone by many names over the years, but he got his start in costumed heroics as Ant-Man in Tales to Astonish #35. He first started using the Giant-Man name in Tales to Astonish #49.

2. At the time of this story, Aunt May had just recently learned that Peter is Spider-Man. That happened in Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 2) #35.

3. The Scorpion recalls how J. Jonah Jameson funded the experiment that gave him his powers. That happened in Amazing Spider-Man #20.

4. The man who Jonah refers to as his father is actually his uncle. It’s explained in Amazing Spider-Man #579 that Jonah’s father, Jay Jameson, left his family when he was still young and his brother stepped up to raise Jonah.

Topical References

• The appearances of actors Jay Leno, Scott Baio, Beverly D’Angelo, Jennifer Tilly, Jack Nickelson, Luke Perry, and Sam Simon in this story should be considered topical since these are all real world celebrities.

• Likewise should all the references to Mia Farrow, Mary McComick, “Stuttering” John Mendez, Nicholas Cage, Gary Del’Ebante, Artie Lang, Al Pachino, Pamela Anderson, Tom Hanks, the Wayans Brothers, Bill Maher, Bruce Springsteen, Ralph Cirella, David Letterman, Robin Quivers, Kim Delany, Bruce Willis, the Baldwin Brothers, Courtney Love, Sam Simon, Mary McCormick, Donald Trump, Jimmy Smits, Bob Sagat, Brad Pitt, and Dennis Franz should be considered topical as well.

• Dated pop-culture references: Vip, Friends, the WB Network, The Tonight Show

• Outdated technology: CRT televisions

• Also the charity in this story is to help rebuild the damage done to New York City following the 9/11 terrorist attacks. This should also be considered a topical reference, 9/11 was 2 friggin’ decades ago.

• References to Jameson being involved with breaking the news on the Watergate Scandal should also be considered topical.