‘Twas the Fight Before Christmas

It is the night before Christmas and the city of New York has been hit by the worst winter storm in years. Peter Parker is sent out by J. Jonah Jameson to purchase a crystal unicorn statue for his wife. Peter is relieved to be away from the party since he misses his wife Mary Jane.[1] Along the way, Peter discovers a number of school children that were accidentally left behind by their teacher and escorts the children back to the Daily Bugle to get them out of the cold. With no time to waste, Peter then changes into Spider-Man that he can get across the city to make up for lost time. The wall-crawler isn’t happy because it took two months to convince Mary Jane to come home for the holidays and her plane got stuck in Philidelphia due to the winter storm. Returning to the Daily Bugle with a bag full of gifts, Spider-Man admits that playing the role of Santa for a bunch of kids isn’t exactly a bad thing.

Down in the Bugle office, Betty Brant and Spencer Williams are trying to keep the school children occupied but they are a handful. J. Jonah Jameson is on the phone with is wife, and yells at the children to keep quiet so he can hear her talk, but this backfires as his loud voice causes the kids to start crying. However, one of the little girls has become smitten by Jameson, much to his unease. That’s when the phone cuts out and he demands to know what’s going on. Betty points out that there is a snowstorm outside. That’s when Peter enters the bullpen with bag full of gifts. The children rush Parker, knocking him off his feet and they are all excited to see that he has bought them all Spider-Man action figures.

At the Baxter Building, the Human Torch is giving a Spider-Man action figure from the Thing and he is annoyed that Spider-Man got an action figure over him. The two are about to come to blows when the Invisible Woman breaks up the fight. Sue then takes Crystal into Mister Fantastic’s lab, as Reed is using his equipment to find Medusa, Crystal’s sister, who has recently gone missing. Reed assures the two women that he will be able to find her. That’s when Janet Van Dyne, aka the Wasp, arrives to take Crystal and Sue on a shopping expedition and head toward a nearby department store. At that same moment, a mysterious man and a woman wearing a snowman mask are outside and surprised to learn that Spider-Man will be making an appearance at the department store. However, the man is certain that can deal with the wall-crawler.

In a nearby dressing room, the staff at store check on Flash Thompson, who was hired to play Spider-Man at the store during the holidays. He assures the manager that they picked the right person to portray the wall-crawler as Flash is Spider-Man’s biggest fan. The manager is growing tired of Flash’s babble and tells him to get out and entertain the children. While back at the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson is furious that Peter used his money to buy the children Spider-Man toys. However, in the spirit of the season, Jameson calms down and apologizes to Peter, telling the photographer that he can’t help being stupid. When Jonah asks if Peter got the gift he wanted to give his wife, Parker realizes that he forgot to get the crystal unicorn prompting Peter to rush out. Back at the department store, Sue and the other women continue shopping unaware that he mystery man and his female companion continue plotting their scheme. Stopping by the section of the store where children can meet Santa, the mystery man uses his power to make the mall Santa rush to the bathroom, then enthralls a security guard named Joe and has him escort the pair into the security office.

Back at the paper, Betty Brant needs to get home to her family and get fed up with Jonah’s demands. She tells him off and then leaves the publisher with the children Peter left in their care.[2] While back at the department store, the mystery man tells the shoppers that they are about to be robbed. That’s when Thompson — still dressed as Spider-Man — begins robbing customers and emptying the cash registers. He’s joined by the mystery man’s female assistant who shatters her snowman mask revealing that she is actually Medusa. As they become aware of the robbery, the three female superheroes decide to do something to stop the robbery. While the Wasp deals with “Spider-Man”, the Invisible Woman and Crystal try to detain Medusa. While they are busy fighting for their lives, J. Jonah Jameson is trying to entertain the children with stories about how he tried to capture Spider-Man.[3] That’s when Jillian Blythe tells him about the robbery going on at the department store and hearing how Spider-Man is involved decides to bring the children with him to the store. With the road closed due to the storm, Jameson and Jillian decide to take women to the store on foot.

Meanwhile, the real Spider-Man arrives on the roof of the department store and as he changes into his civilian clothes notices the Fantasti-Car and figures that the Fantastic Four are shopping without a care in the world. However when he gets onto the main floor of the department store, Peter witnesses as the Invisible Woman, Crystal and the Wasp fighting Medusa. He also finds Flash, whose Spider-Man costume is in tatters after being beaten by the women and drags him to safety. Peter then changes back into Spider-Man and joins the battle. At that same moment, Mister Fantastic finally pin-point’s Medusa’s location and rallies the rest of the Fantastic Four. When they arrive it’s just as Spider-Man has defeated Medusa and the Thing thinks the wall-crawler is attacking their ally unprovoked. As the Thing punches Spider-Man in the face, the mastermind behind this scheme tries to escape with all the stolen loot while dressed as Santa Claus. However, Spider-Man ends up landing on him and sending him and his stolen loot sprawling all over the floor. That’s when the Human Torch nabs the thief and unmasks him, revealing that the mastermind behind this scheme was none other than the Puppet Master.

From there, things happen in rapid succession: Spider-Man convinces J. Jonah Jameson to take on the role of Santa at the mall. While Crystal and Medusa find a suitable gift for Black Bolt. Although the Puppet Master is jailed, he is still visited by his step-daughter Alicia Master and the Thing. Flash Thompson is smitten by Jillian Blythe as she treats his injuries. Lastly, Peter Parker manages to find the gift that Jameson sent him to find. When everyone returns to the Daily Bugle, Peter Parker is surprised to see that Mary Jane was able to make it after all as she arrives with his Aunt May so they can ring in the holidays.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Puppet Master, Medusa, J. Jonah Jameson, Joe Robertson, Betty Brant, Jillian Blythe, Ksitgarbha Cohn, Spencer Williams, Fantastic Four (Mister Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, Thing), Crystal, Wasp, Flash Thompson, Alicia Masters, Aunt May, Mary Jane Watson, Marla Madison

Continuity Notes

1. At the time of this story, Peter and Mary Jane are separated since Amazing Spider-Man Annual 2001 and they will remain apart until Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 2) #50. However, this story takes place after that, one could presume that Mary Jane was away from New York tying up loose ends in California. Mary Jane is referred to as Peter Parker’s wife here. However, years later, their marriage is erased from existence by Mephisto in Amazing Spider-Man #545, as such she would be referred to as Peter’s fiancee here.

2. Betty says she needs to get home to Ned, likely meaning Ned Leeds. Ned Leeds was Betty’s late husband. Ned was murdered years prior to this story in Spider-Man Versus Wolverine #1. One could assume that since Betty doesn’t have any living family members (that she knows of, long story here, we’ll get into it later) she is probably spending the holidays at her husband’s grave, which is pretty depressing when you think about it.

3. J. Jonah Jameson is telling the children about the first time he used a Spider-Slayer robot to try and capture Spider-Man. That happened in Amazing Spider-Man #25.

Topical References

• The computers at the Daily Bugle are depicted as old CRT monitors. This should be considered topical because that technology is obsolete.

• The department store that all the action takes place is identified as Macy’s. This should be considered a topical reference as this is a real-world business. Although Macy’s has been around since 1843, not company lasts forever.

• According to the Sliding Timescale, this story couldn’t possibly take place at Christmas time. However, since the holiday is central to the story it is hard to reconcile as anything but. How one could interpret this is anyone’s guess.