Amazing Spider-Man #612
This Man, This Asshole
Deadpool is living it big at a strip club when he receives a phone call from the President of the United States who asks him to torture and murder Norman Osborn, the director of HAMMER. However, as it turns out, Deadpool isn’t actually talking to anyone as his phone starts to ring. When the strippers call him on this, Deadpool tries to convince them that he is using a new high tech phone. The woman also start getting grabby since Deadpool promised to pay for the superhero costumes they are wearing. Answering the call that is actually coming in, the Merc With a Mouth can’t hear over the noise and fires his gun into the air to silence everyone.
With her business conducted, Sasha Kravinoff ends her call with Deadpool and tells her daughter Ana that soon they will not have to resort to dealing with those beneath them soon enough. Sasha then commends her daughter for doing such a good job breaking Madame Web as she will now tell them everything they want to know.[1]
Meanwhile, Peter Parker is having a bad day for a Wednesday. His roommate Michele Gonzales is withholding basic necessities because he’s not pulling his weight in the apartment. Viewing some photos he took at an internet cafe, the software crashes and he loses all his work. He then goes to work at the mayor’s office where he is reamed out by mayor J. Jonah Jameson. He then goes to collect a package from the post office only to find it crushed. Out on the street, his spider-sense begins warning him of danger. As he rushes off to find an alley, he avoids being splashed by a passing taxi cab that drives through a puddle. However, it splashes a man carrying his son on his shoulders and the boy responds by dumping his cup of soda on Peter’s head.
Moments later, Spider-Man appears from an alley and finds himself face-to-face with the newest villain in New York City, Lady Stilt-Man. Spider-Man finds this hilarious and asks Lady Stilt-Man to repeat her name so he can continue to get mileage over how funny this all is to him.[2] Spider-Man’s mockery causes Lady Stilt-Man to start making a series of rookie mistakes and ultimately he defeats her by getting her tripped up on a manhole cover. Brought to tears, Spider-Man tells Lady Stilt-Man to let it all out. That’s when Deadpool approaches the scene and reveals that he was the one who removed the manhole cover.
As it turns out, Deadpool is a massive fan of the web-slinger and he is caught up in fanboy love and asks the web-slinger for an autograph. Spider-Man finds this odd but decides to oblige Deadpool anyway, unaware that the notepad is actually a bomb that is rigged to explode the moment Spider-Man puts a pen to paper. However, the blast isn’t meant to kill the wall-crawler, and it sends him flying into the middle of the MTA Metro North station. While Deadpool tries to attack Spider-Man with swords, he admits that he wants a bromance with the web-slinger, but insists that he’s not sexually attracted to his hero. Spider-Man, more confused than ever, webs Deadpool’s feet to the ground. As Deadpool cuts himself free, he complains about how this will ruin his pedecure.[3]
As his healing factor repairs the damage to his feet, Deadpool chases Spider-Man onto the roof of a subway train where their battle continues. Babbling all the time, Deadpool explains that he was hired to eliminate Spider-Man. When the web-slinger holds up a collapsing wall as commuters flee, Deadpool imagines he is being visited by female angels and demons — all wearing Deadpool masks — they all give suggestions as to how Deadpool could kill Spider-Man. Deciding he still wants to kill Spider-Man, Deadpool then grabs the remaining commuters and tosses them out of harms way. He then ties a chain around Spider-Man’s waist and yanks him outside by motorcycle. Spider-Man has had enough with Deadpool and decides to end this as his spider-sense is warning him of other dangers around.
As Deadpool pulls him down the street, Spider-Man doesn’t notices Ana Kravinoff ambushing Spider-Woman in the street. By this time, Spider-Man manages to get Deadpool to stop by jamming the wheel axle of his motorcycle with webbing, sending the mercinary tumbling into a nearby basketball court. Spider-Man is about to pummel Deadpool when the merc makes a rather disgusting yo’ mama joke. The kids in the basketball court ask Spider-Man is going to take that and the two start exchanging insults instead of punches.[4] Eventually, Spider-Man takes things too far by dishing out a yo mama joke about Deadpool’s face, ripping off his mask in the process. Grabbing a shirt off one of the kids to cover his face, Deadpool decides to unleash his most devastating come back. After bragging about how many people this joke has destroyed, Deadpool stops when his alarm goes off and tells Spider-Man that his job is over. As it turned out, Deadpool’s job was just to keep Spider-Man away from midtown.
When Deadpool turns to leave, one of the kids demands to hear the joke that the mercenary spent so much time playing up. Deadpool whispers it in his ear and what he hears makes the kid start crying. Spider-Man demands to know who hired him, however all Deadpool says is that they have a huge plan to get revenge against Spider-Man and that he’ll get the upper hand by giving Spider-Man a Dutch Oven the next time they meet.[5] When Deadpool teleports away, Spider-Man is left with more questions than answers.
In the aftermath of the battle, Ana and Sasha comment about how Spider-Man crossed paths with the many people he is destined to fight beside in the near future. When he and Deadpool fought atop the subway train, Anya Corazon — aka Araña — was aboard the drain.[6] When he held up the collapsing wall later on in the battle, he was unaware that Eddie Brock — aka Anti-Venom — was among those helping get people to safety.[7] Lastly, Mattie Franklin — the third Spider-Woman — who just returned to New York City to see Spider-Man in battle with Deadpool. Before she could interfere with the battle, she was ambushed by Ana, who choked her into submission. As they strap Mattie to a table, Ana gloats how easy it was for them to capture Spider-Woman thanks to the visions they got from Madame Web. Web openly weeps for Mattie, asking the girl to forgive her. Sasha then tells her daughter that their preparations are complete and they can now set their plan into motion.
Recurring Characters
Spider-Man, Deadpool, Lady Stilt-Man, Ana Kravinoff, Sasha Kravinoff, Madame Web, Michele Gonzales, Eddie Brock, Mattie Franklin, Anya Corazon
Continuity Notes
Sasha and Ana Kravinoff have been plotting against Spider-Man since Amazing Spider-Man #565. Madame Web was captured by the pair in Amazing Spider-Man #600.
Lady Stilt-Man says she chose her name to pay homage to the original Stilt-Man, Wilbur Day, who was murdered by the Punisher in Punisher: War Journal (vol. 2) #1. He will be restored to life in Clone Conspiracy #2.
Deadpool claims that he had Blackest Night symbols painted on his toes. A footnote states that Geoff Johns approves of this message. Geoff Johns, who is identified as a former Avengers writer, later went on to work for DC Comics. At the time this issue was published Johns was behind the Green Lantern event Blackest Night.
Among these insults there are some references made:
One of Spider-Man’s yo’ mama jokes is about how Deadpool’s mother was replaced by a Skrull during the invasion and died of ugly. This is a reference to the events of Secret Invasion #1-7.
One of Deadpool’s come backs is saying that Spider-Man’s mama is so fat, Hank Pym beat her in the back of a Quinjet. This is a reference to the fact that Hank Pym once hit his wife, Janet Van Dyne. That happened in Avengers #213.
Deadpool, in his typical tiresome way, breaks the fourth wall and says he’ll see Spider-Man again in Deadpool (vol. 2) #19.
Araña and Spider-Woman will play an important role in the upcoming Grim Hunt event that happens in Amazing Spider-Man #634-637.
Meanwhile, Anti-Venom will team-up with Spider-Man again in Amazing Spider-Man #663-664.
Topical References
The President of the United States is identified as Barack Obama in this story. This should be considered topical since Obama has already served the maximum two terms as president and has since been replaced by the yawning abyss.
Deadpool offers a customer a DVD player as a free gift for his services. These machines are not obsolete yet, but they’re on their way out as digital video and streaming services continue to dominate the home video market.
References to real-world people: Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Megan Fox
Dated pop-culture references: United States of Tara
