All-New Jimmy Olsen, Life Wrecking Idiot #2
It’s time for another edition of Jimmy Olsen, Life Wrecking Idiot. If you haven’t seen this before check out past articles here. It’s a continuation of my popular Fandom.com series of articles wherein I show that Jimmy Olsen is not only a life wrecking idiot, but the worst human being ever. This time we’re looking at Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen #2 published in the winter of 1954!
They have a safety net you moron!
The Flying Jimmy Olsen!
This story starts off with Clark Kent giving Jimmy a twisted gun as a present from Superman. Jimmy naturally adds it to his growing collection of Superman souvenirs. That’s when he notices a strange bottle in a box of sand from another world. He’s never seen that bottle before, so Jimmy does what an idiot of his calibre does in this situation….
“Sounds phony to me, but I’ll drink it anyway! What could possibly go wrong?”
After falling asleep, Jimmy wakes up to discover that the potion negated his gravity, allowing him to fly. Instead of doing something useful with the ability, Jimmy decides to join the circus. What’s incredible is that the ringmaster actually listened to an idiot barging into his circus with wild stories about being able to fly.
When Jimmy performs for an audience and dives down to the ground, Superman thinks he’s in trouble, but realizes his mistake. That’s when this happened…
The explanation is as dumb as you think. Keep reading.
When the show continues, Jimmy then enters a cage full of lions and tigers so he can use his flying powers to ride one of the big cats.
Sadly, we are denied the joy of seeing Jimmy Olsen shredded to pieces.
Then the whole show gets interrupted by a gang of crooks who rob the box office. When they try to flee with what I assume is tens of dollars, Jimmy flies into action and stops them. However, Clark Kent is shot in the process and Superman flies him to a hospital. That’s when Jimmy goes on to do his next stunt.
This story just keeps on setting us up for disappointment…
That’s when Jimmy Olsen is woken up by Superman, who is splashing water on the moron to wake him up. Apparently, it was all a dream. When Jimmy looks at the label on the bottle a second time…
Heavy sleep is not a superpower, Superman.
When Jimmy tells Superman all about his crazy flying dream, the Man of Steel is amused to hear that Jimmy dreamed about Superman and Clark Kent watching the circus together. The end.
Here are words I never thought I’d have to write but here we go: Drinking a strange bottle of liquid that came from an alien world is a monumentally stupid idea. Especially since you never saw it before. Nothing ever comes good out of a mystery bottle.
TJimmy, drinking out of strange bottles is what toddlers do. I’m surprised your pitiful life didn’t prematurely end at age three after drinking a jug of Javex.
What’s more troubling is the fact that in his dreams he kept on pulling stunts without doing any practice. He just discovered he wanted to fly and the first things he wants to do is ride a tiger and escape from a water tank. He could have saved us all a lot of grief by flying into space and never coming back.
But you know what? Jimmy isn’t the real monster here….
Some things in this story do not add up. Apparently, this bottle was included in the sand from another world that Superman gave to Jimmy. According to Superman’s transcription it is a formula that give whoever drinks it “great powers, for one day” However, on the other side it says that, actually, the chemicals in the bottle cause deep sleep.
Did Superman intentionally gaslight his pal just so he can be amused with stories of Jimmy’s drug-fueled dreams? Also, you tricked your friend into drinking chemicals, you dick!
The Hide and Seek Mystery!
This story is about a gang of diamond thieves who hide their stolen loot in the Daily Planet’s “Flying Newsroom” helicopter. In order to try and get it back, they stage a bunch of fake disasters to draw out Jimmy Olsen. The whole thing ends with Jimmy finding the diamonds and hiding them in a bowl of nuts. Apparently, crooks can’t tell the difference between diamonds and nuts.
*Crunch crunch cruch* Some of the nuts are really stale.
This is a story where they take some time to develop Jumbo Jones, the pilot of the Flying Newsroom. You might remember I mentioned him in my last Jimmy Olsen article. So what do we learn about Jumbo? Well…
He’s Good at Pointing
Thanks for pointing out the helicopter Jumbo, never would have saw it without your help.
Jumbo is so good at pointing things, you better believe he is really good at spotting trouble.
Wait, Jumbo, WHERE DID THE HELICOPTER GO!?!
Master of Falls
When faced with gun toting crooks, Jumbo is able to fall down in front of them at the drop of a hat.
“Arrrrg! My heart!”
Jimmy refers to it as the “old stumble routine”, suggesting that they practiced this! How pathetic is your life when you fall down on the command of a red-headed step-child in serious need of a beating? Have some self-respect Jumbo.
I’m not kidding around, Jumbo apparently lives to follow Jimmy’s every command.
This is why your wife left you Jumbo.
Random Acts of Cowardice
What’s really interesting is that for some reason, Jumbo suddenly gets scared.
A few pages ago he was willing to throw himself in front of armed gunmen for Jimmy Olsen. Now suddenly he is scared? Is it because Jimmy is implying they run? Oh you poor fat bastard.
This is one of the many times a crook uses some ridiculious scheme to trick Jimmy and/or Superman.
In this story, the Purple Gang (I guess they like Prince?) create a series of accidents and disasters to draw out the Flying Newsroom. From falling off cliffs to starting fires on remote islands, Jimmy Olsen rushes off to the scene because apparently there is no emergency too mundane for him to cover.
Seriously, a deserted island caught fire? How is this fucking news? I'd accuse these crooks of over thinking things, except they aren't thinking. What criminal in their right mind would do something to attract Jimmy Olsen and, as a result, Superman?
Stick with calisthenics.
Why not wait until the Daily Planet closes for the night. Break in and take the gems from the helicopter when it's not in use, like a normal crook?
No, lets charter a trip to a deserted island and start a forest fire in the off chance it will pay off! These morons will charter a boat to a remote island to start a fire for a bag full of diamonds. Now, I don't know much about diamonds, but that sounds like way more time and money than it would take to hold up another jewelry store.
Jimmy Olsen, Superman’s Ex-Pal!
Jimmy is out with a girl named Betty who almost drowns in a lake. When Jimmy dives in to save her he gets cock-blocked by a lifeguard named Tom. Tom tells says Jimmy is just showing off because he claims to be Superman's pal. Although Tom thinks Jimmy is making up his friendship with Superman, he's not wrong.
I save chicks for the minimum wage, not the glory!
Tom is a trained lifeguard who is supposed to do his job. I, for one, would not trust the guy who drinks from alien bottles and confuses dynamite with bees to try and save me. I'd rather fucking drown as that giving into death's watery embrace would be less tragic than a failed rescue attempt at the hands of Jimmy Olsen.
Later, Jimmy takes Betty to a dance where Tom continues to emasculate the dink. Things get worse when Superman apparently shows up and snubs Jimmy.
Suuuuure, the guy with super-vision couldn’t recognize you in the moonlight, keep on deluding yourself Jimmy.
It turns out that this is a crook pretending to be Superman to facilitate a robbery of a hotel safe and Jimmy eventually figures it out. Remembering that he has a fucking signal watch he calls the real Superman who then busts the crooks and the impostor. This also proves that Jimmy is actually Superman's pal.
I will give Jimmy some credit here for not actually summoning Superman until there was trouble, as he hasn't always demonstrated this kind of restraint.
However, given how much Jimmy schills his friendship with Superman on every media platform available in the 50s one could only assume Tom was just fucking with Jimmy. What's worse than an insecure lifeguard cockblocking you when you're friends with the strongest man on Earth? Taking it like a goddamn pussy. Show some fucking confidence Jimmy.
Stop him Superman, he’s trying to dispose of the body!
In this story the leader of the gang, Slick Dugan, dressed up as Superman. He then tells the desk clerk at the hotel to let him leave gravel from a rock that he shreds with his bare hands and scatters in front of the safe. The logic here is if crooks try to break into the safe, Superman will hear their feed crunching in gravel with his super-hearing and bust them in the fact.
The police operate 24 hours a day you idiot.
In reality, this is just a sponge that Dugan rips up and scatters on the floor, and it took Jimmy being butt-hurt over being snubbed to figure this out.
So, my issue here is how fucking stupid is that desk clerk? You can't tell the difference between a rock and a sponge? You were there when "Superman" was ripping it apart with his bare hands! A rock being ripped apart is bound to make some kind of noise. So would dropping pebbles on a hardwood floor!?
Oh you should be worrying about your job security after this.
And I have to trust this guy to take my reservation? Could I trick him into giving me the Presidential suite by offering pay in magic beans?
I think the greatest villain in the DC Universe is whoever altered the drinking water to make the people of Metropolis this fucking stupid.
Next Time…
Jimmy Olsen becomes the 1%, almost gets gunned down in a shootout, and meets the “Man Who Collected Excitement” which is not as sexy as it sounds. Be here won’t you?
