What I Learned Watching 30 Years of the Simpsons During the Pandemic

Like most sane people, I’ve been spending the majority of the COVID-19 Pandemic indoors as my doctor’s told me, leaving the important task of carrying guns in public and then prematurely dying of a completely avoidable illness to those who confuse quarantine with tyranny. (we all applaud the good work you are doing for the gene pool) While many people have been using this isolation time to improve on themselves and doing productive things I’ve spent this time binge-watching the first 30 seasons of the Simpsons on Disney+ to see what I can learn from watching it. Like many of you, I’ve refused to watch the show pretty much since season 10 the point where most people say the show ended its so-called golden age. I decided to fix that since I had literally nothing going on.

How does a show that has allegedly been bad for two-thirds of its broadcast run still manage to be on TV? Well here are 5 things I learned from watching the whole run.

5. People Need to Stop Saying the Simpsons Stopped Being Funny

The Myth

If you clicked on this article because you thought I was going to trash season 10 through 30 of the Simpsons for not being like your “beloved” golden age, I’m sorry to break it to you, but this is not it. The Simpsons have never been concurrently funny through its entire run. That’s a fact. Anyone who says the Simpsons used to make them laugh out loud is a liar. Even if that was true, all joy has been literally sucked out of these early episodes thanks to internet culture. Let me explain…

Most people think the Simpsons peaked at the season 9 episode “The Principal and the Pauper”. I would disagree. First of all, the first nine years of the Simpsons weren’t wall-to-wall funny jokes in fact it seldom had many laugh out loud moments.

Season one was fucking horrible. Watching those early episodes now you have to wonder how the show didn’t get canceled after the first season. It’s just bad.

While I’ll concede that the show got funnier when Conan O’Brien joined the team, I would argue that the show didn’t get any better or worse following his departure from the show. Someone who says that the show suffered without Conan O’Brien is also underestimating how few episodes were actually written by the man. His influence on the show was actually quite minimal.

Season 9 was definitely the height of the Simpson’s popularity, which did lead to some lackluster results. What made the first few later seasons lose some of the show’s charm was when it became more about making excuses for the Simpsons to meet a certain celebrity guest. Something the creators became aware of enough to reference it in the Season 11 episode “Behind the Laughter”. However, if you push past, the series actually gets good again in subsequent seasons. While Season 11 and 12 are forgettable, things started to get remarkably better by season 13, particularly in the episode “The Parent Rap”. While I will concede the show hasn’t been very laugh out loud funny in all this time (I’d say I got one or two good laughs per episode) I will point out that the show was never that funny to begin with.

Suicide advice: measure twice, cut once.

In fact, I’d say that the older episodes that everyone knows and loves get less funny with every tired reference and played out meme. I would die a happy man if I never had to see another stupid Simpsons meme that is based on some 20-year-old Simpsons gag. Instead, I’m doing to die a bitter angry nerd who writes a blog about why I think you’re all stupid. Frankly, the internet, you’re doing this to yourself at this point.

There is nothing lamer than being in a bar, having an interesting conversation and then some fucking hack tries to be funny by referencing something Homer said during “Marge vs. the Monorail”. You know who else can memorize asinine dialogue? A fucking parrot. At least with a parrot, you can toss a sheet over its cage and it will shut the fuck up, not like the drunken asshole who quotes the decades-old Simpsons jokes at the bar. Next time you catch yourself doing this, do me a favor and drive home drunk and get in a car accident so not only are you dead, but people hate you because of the children you also killed. What I’m saying is I don’t like your Simpsons references and you need to shut the fuck up.

Moving on…

4. I Didn’t Even Notice the Michael Jackson Episode Was Missing, and When I Did, I Didn’t Miss It

In early 2019, people had a fucking conniption fit that the showrunners of the Simpsons decided to pull the episode “Stark Raving Dad” because it guest-starred Michael Jackson. For those who have short term memory, the decision to pull the episode came following the release of Leaving Neverland a documentary about two men sharing the story about how they were allegedly raped by the King of Pop. I’m not going to turn this into a whole thing where we debate on giving an alleged rapist a free pass, but the usual bag of internet miscreants complained about how this was yet another example of “Political Correctness” running amok. Now there are some valid arguments about not scrubbing this episode from the public record, such as presenting art within the proper context. On the other hand, I didn’t even notice the episode was missing on Disney+, which also does not include the episode. The only place you can still find it is on old DVD box sets, which if you want a good laugh, you can read some retarded Fandom contributor explain how to purchased aftermarket copies.

Not even a single Comic Book Guy Meme. Fucking Amateurs.

Frankly, I’m glad the episode has been cut, and the chances of me seeing it have been greatly reduced. However, it has very little to do with the King of Putting Penises in Children’s Mouths and it has more to do with the fact that I will never ever have to hear the song “Lisa it’s your Birthday” as that earworm would get stuck in my head for hours upon hearing it. Since the episode got cut, with the aid of my problematic drinking, I have nearly erased all memory of what that song sounds like. I treat forgetting the song with the same determination as a victim of sexual assault desperately needs people to believe them. I guess what I’m saying is that I too was molested by Michael Jackson 30 years ago as well if it’s possible to have your eardrums raped by a song.

3. Apu Became a Very Unlikable Character and Will Not Be Missed

Another thing idiots on the internet get upset over is the decision to retire the character Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, the guy who runs the Kwik-E-Mart. The character was phased out of the show after the increasing criticism of the South Asian community, particularly after the release of the documentary The Problem With Apu. Again, people are screaming censorship and political correctness, but how much of addition was Apu to the cast? Yeah, there was a time where they’d spend an entire episode focusing on Apu and his family, however after a point the character had becom insufferable to watch.

The character was usually good-natured to start, if not a bit preachy, but after he married his wife Manjula and had their octuplets, Apu turned into a completely different character. The once patient and likable Apu became a complete asshole. In the episode “Eight’ Misbehaving”, Apu is so exhausted looking after six children that he was willing to put them on display to the zoo. Every episode afterward Apu is either complaining about how loveless arranged marriage or complaining about how much work it takes raising six children. At one point he even cheats on his wife (“The Sweetest Apu”) who reluctantly takes him back. Every time he’s seen afterwards he’s either neglecting or mistreating a member of his family.

By the time he was phased out of the show, he was an insufferably awful character. Good riddance.

2. The Aspect Ratio is Not That Big a Deal

I can never know how funny this joke was because I couldn’t see the big butt. You ruined my childhood Disney!

It’s funny how quickly fans will turn on you. When Disney announced Disney+ fans were excited to learn that the Simpsons was going to be included among the hundreds of other Disney programs that they remember watching as a kid only to discover that many of these old shows are either incredibly annoying or kind of creepy for a grown childless adult to be binge-watching alone (Take that fans of Sonny With a Chance) However when they discovered that the episodes were in the 16:9 aspect ratio that was made by the Fox Network for future syndication of the series, fans freaked the fuck out because apparently this led to many many great “jokes” being cropped out of episodes.

Naturally, most of these people can only reference episodes that were made during the “golden age”, but I digress.

The logic for Disney putting the 16:9 ratio episodes makes sense. They were putting together a streaming service to rival all the others and were scrambling to get as much content out as possible in one go. Disney had just finished acquiring 20th Century Fox and all its properties. The Simpsons being on a streaming platform was the crown jewel because nobody had the Simpsons on a streaming platform. They had a choice: Use the 30+ seasons that were already available in a digital format they could stream, or they could (somehow) get the syndicated episodes that were still out there in 4:3 ratio, which are so old they look like bad VHS copies or wait months to go through the archives and re-transfer old episodes in their original aspect ratio. When they made their decision, it was the least of the worst in order to get 30 seasons of the Simpsons to you at the low price of $7.99 a month. What fucking assholes, right?

Know-it-alls all over the internet complained that the changed aspect ratio eliminated a lot of the shows more subtle jokes. There were a few compelling examples, such as the infamous Duff Brewery Vat joke that everyone references. But going back and looking at all the examples, it’s just people being overly critical thinking people are so stupid that they can’t understand a joke without the full reference. The Vulture wrote a lengthy article about it that I think verges on insulting the intelligence of their readers, but then again, they read the Vulture so… I guess there’s a point to be made.

“I can’t see their feet!? HOW ARE THEY MOVING!?” - Something Homer Simpson would have probably said.

Apparently, viewers are just as dense as Homer Simpson because they couldn’t figure out all of a joke when part of it was cropped out. Its lkie tehy dno’t tihnk poepl cna porcess clompex iedas.

However, if you stopped and actually watched these episodes instead of being the most annoying kind of a nerd in the world, you’d notice that the change in aspect ratio didn’t really change much. Proportionately, the number of gags that got cropped were far and few. The ones that did were either easy to figure out anyway or weren’t anything you noticed until it was already gone and people wasted countless hours scanning old Simpsons episodes to prove that flimsy reference. Because, honestly, I don’t think anyone really missed the Hitler’s teeth gag in “Bart the General”.

I don’t disagree that every episode should be in their original aspect ratios, but let’s not confuse the motivations Disney had putting these episodes out. They’re in the business of making money. Since some of their most iconic characters (Mickey Mouse and the gang) are heading irreversibly into the realm of public domain in the next few years the reason they are snapping up so many other properties is that it’ll give them another 100 years of pop culture to bleed dry and the Simpsons are just the latest victim.

The announcement that starting on May 28, 2020, DIsney+ will now feature the first 20 seasons of the Simpsons in their original aspect ratio is being widely viewed as a victory for outspoken fans. Bullshit. Don’t think this was due to the public outcry over the cropped aspect ratios. Disney is all about nostalgia, so they’d be insane not to do this. It’s their means of double-dipping as all the people who ended their subscriptions over the aspect ratios? They’ll be back to watch the Simpsons “as they were intended” because people who are this fickle about shit are so fucking obtuse when it comes to figuring out the motives of a major studio. These same idiots will be claiming victory over Disney while shelling out their 8 bucks a month to renew their subscriptions completely unaware that they are the jackass in this scenario.

1. The Simpsons is a Strange Paradox of Moving Forward Yet Staying the Same

The thing about the Simpsons is that the show is in a constant state of arrested development. The show just never really moves forward. There’s the obvious thing, like how Bart and Lisa have remained the same age for over 30 years even though they have celebrated Christmas and Halloween nearly every year since the show’s inception. These kids have a summer vacation only to go back to the same grade as though nothing has happened.

This is only made more obvious when you consider the number of episodes that are about Homer and Marge questioning their marriage only to discover they are soul mates. How many episodes do we need where one of them is tempted to have an affair with some other character only to discover that they really love one another? How many episodes do we need where Bart is failing in school forcing his parents to send him to therapy or put him on drugs? How many episodes do we need where Homer is told to spend time with Maggie or Lisa because he’s been neglecting them so he can learn something about them he didn’t know before? These plots are visited nearly every season and it raises the question of how man times can you actually frame these moments in different ways. Homer and Marge have been remarried twice and the second time they had to make an excuse why it didn’t stick the last time.

Another example is Barney Gumble, who in season 11 finally became sober, which is a great step forward for the character. A few years later, Barney is back to being a drunk again without any explanation other than it gives writers an excuse to write some lazy drunk jokes. This is even more so disturbing since Homer’s drinking problems are also used as a gag and are ignored for the most part unless it’s used to make a joke.

Maud Flanders is dead but she’ll still be back at least once a season for a flashback, Halloween special, or heaven cutaway gag. In recent years, the Simpsons have been doing episodes that peak into the future of the Simpson family, showing the children all grown-up and having children of their own, only to pull back to the old status quo.

The only thing that has really changed about the Simpsons is how dirty it’s gotten. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, nor is it a huge thing either. Television landscape that also includes bluer programs like South Park and Family Guy, the Simpsons kind of has to change with the times. There are more references to bodily functions, Homer and Marge are far more promiscuous than in past seasons, characters are openly peeing their pants and farting. It’s kind of weird to see this in the show that still, somehow, remains relatively tame. They can’t even go all the way blue without pulling back.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE HEARD OF WRITERS BRICK!!!

On the other hand, the Simpsons have been progressive and evolved with the times. You can watch the show’s evolution through its views on homosexuality. From it being a running gag about Smithers to full-on acceptance. Home has gone from an overly concerned homophobic parent in “Homer’s Phobia” to Homer becoming a priest to marry gay couples in “There’s Something About Marrying” in season 16.

The writers of the Simpsons can still crank out 21 episodes a season and still be interesting but I find that they more frequently go over previously visited aspects of the characters. This is because they never really allow characters to grow and change, preferring the reach of the low hanging fruits. I get it. Low hanging fruit can still be funny. But I think if the series is to keep on going it needs to actually start moving forward. This can be done in two ways. Allowing the characters to actually grow and change, or change the focus of the show.

The craziest thing they did in recent years doing an entire episode all in Lego.

I guess what I’m saying that the Simpsons has never been bad (except for that awful premiere season) but they can certainly do a whole lot better.