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Nick Peron

Welcome to the website of comedian Nick Peron. It is the ground zero of his comedic writing.

Amazing Spider-Man: Family Business

Amazing Spider-Man: Family Business

Family Business

Tunisia, Three Months Ago

Melvin Flumm, aka Mentallo, has been locked away in a prison for quite some time. He is surprised when Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime, has come to visit him. The Kingpin explains that he has come to employment. He explains that things in New York had necessitating that he leave the city. He wound up here and put a plan into motion, faking a mental breakdown in order to get locked in the same mental hospital as Mentallo.[1] There he used his intelligence and influence to take control of the facility, exploiting the lead doctor’s drug addiction for his own ends.

From there, it was a simple matter of having them transport Melvin into a facility that could nullify his mental powers. Flumm can’t believe that the Kingpin inflicted this upon him. However, the Kingpin offers him a device that will make his suffering end.

New York, Today

Peter Parker has forgotten to pay for his electrical bill and races to the local convenience store to have the bill paid electronically. Unfortunately, the clerk is closing the store for five minutes, leaving Peter to worry if he’ll meet the midnight deadline or if his power will get cut off. That’s when his spider-sense goes off warning him about a nearby truck. Looking in the back he sees that it is full of Krash, a high-demand laundry detergent. Figuring that this is an illegal wholesaling operation he decides to bust it up, as Spider-Man. When the thieves come back for their truck after robbing the shop, Spider-Man is there to stop them. Spider-Man takes them down in short order and after changing back into Peter Parker races back to the shop to try and pay his bill. Unfortunately, the police have arrived and are closing it off as a crime scene.

When Peter returns to his apartment the power has already been cut. Suddenly, someone turns on a floodlight outside his window and armed men come crashing inside. Since they don’t know he is Spider-Man, Peter surrenders in order to learn who these soldiers are and what they want. They put a bag over his head and then hoist him up into a helicopter hovering over his apartment building. Peter decides he made a bad choice and uses his strength to snap his bonds and one of his concealed web-shooters to swing away. Swinging blindly he lands in the passenger seat of a convertable. As it turns out, the driver has been looking for him and quickly raises the top of her vehicle and speeds away. Peter is panicked by the woman’s erratic driving, but she assures him that she can shake their pursuers. When Peter asks for her name, the woman tells him that she is Teresa Parker, his sister.

Peter’s immediate reaction is to assume this is a trick created by one of his foes because he never had a sister. Before he can get answers, Teresa gets him to bail out of the car with him after she loses the chopper. The car explodes in the crash and she tells him to head to a nearby taxi cab, which will allow them to escape, the crash creating a distraction that will allow them to put distance between them and their pursuers. In the cab, Teresa tells the driver to head to JFK International Airport. Peter doesn’t want to go with her, but she points out that both of them are in danger now.

Now that they have a moment of rest, Peter tells her that he doesn’t have a sister, telling her that he was an only child and that his parents — Richard and Mary Parker — died when he was very young, leaving him in the care of his Uncle Ben and Aunt May.[2] That’s when Teresa explains that she just found out last week that she was adopted and the identities of her biological parents. To prove this, she hands Peter of a picture of his parents with a baby girl. Peter can hardly believe this, but there is nothing suggesting the photo was faked. Peter can find this all difficult to believe, but she points out that Peter didn’t find out his parents were in the CIA until he was much older, just like her. When they arrive at the airport, she tells him that they are heading to Monaco in India, handing him a duplicate of his passport that she had made. Peter can hardly believe any of this, but she assures him that she is in the family business and produces her CIA badge. She tells him that there are evil people looking for the children of Richard and Mary Parker, and promises Peter that she will keep him safe. They are rushed through security thanks to Teresa’s credentials and soon board a private jet. Peter tries to get more information out of the woman claiming to be his sister. She tells him that it will have to wait because she has been awake for three days and promptly falls asleep.

Monte Carlo, Six Hours Later

Teresa ends up sleeping the entire flight, leaving Peter with so many burning questions. Once they land at the airport, they catch a cab to the Hotel Metropole. This is the fanciest hotel Peter has ever seen in his life. Teresa gets them adjoining rooms and tells Peter to hurry up because they have a meeting in an hour. In his room, he is shocked to discover two men waiting to do a tuxedo fitting for him. Saying he needs to go to the bathroom, Peter quickly strips off the Spider-Man costume he has been wearing under his clothing. As he is being fitted by a tux, Peter calls Aunt May and tells her that he is out of town for a science conference. He takes this opportunity to ask his aunt if his parents ever brought up having another kid. He tells her he had a dream about having a sister as an excuse for why he is asking. She tells him that his parents always wanted to have two children, a son and a daughter, but as far as she knows, Peter was their only child.

After his call with Aunt May, he is ready to go and greeted at his apartment by Teresa. She tells them that they have to meet her contact at a local casino. There, she tells Peter to try and blend in while she finds her source. Unfortunately, Peter poorly tries to blend in at the baccarat table, until an armed man puts a gun to his back. Peter quickly flips the baccarat table and flees into the washroom where he changes into Spider-Man. As Teresa tires to find her brother, Spider-Man deals with the armed thugs. However, one of them turns out to be Cyclone. When Cyclone unleashes a powerful whirlwind in the room, Spider-Man has to web people to the walls so they don’t get injured. With Teresa still wandering around looking for him, Spider-Man quickly webs up Cyclone as well. Spotting Spider-Man, Teresa finds it pretty interesting. In an attempt to try and protect his secret identity, the web-slinger says that he is part of an international franchise.

When Peter catches up with her later, she tells him that she got the address of the man they are supposed to meet. As they drive to their next location, Peter forces Teresa to pull over and give him some answers about what is going on. Realizing she isn’t going anywhere until she starts talking, Teresa admits that she always knew she was adopted. However, there were no records of who her parents were even with her level of clearance within the CIA. That was until she heard a criminal organization operating in Europe and North Africa suddenly became interested in Peter Parker, specifically because he was the son of Richard Parker. She looked into the Parkers shortly after that and that’s when she discovered conclusive evidence that she was their daughter. When Peter asks why she was put in foster care instead of taken in by family, like he was, Teresa has no idea.

They meet with a man named Emile Chigaru, who often worked as mission control for the Parkers when they were on missions. He already knows why Peter and Teresa are here and gets down to explaining who is interested in Peter and why. He says Richard and Mary Parker were great agents who saved the world on more than a few occasions. They were also madly in love with one another. He says that one of the missions they were on was stopping a fascist organization from getting a cache of Nazi gold that was stashed away in Africa and guarded by a Sleeper robot. He explains that Sleepers were Nazi built robots that were used for specific purposes, many of which were destroyed by Captain America.[3] When Richard defeated the fascists, he sealed off the bunker with a biometric lock that would require many forms of recognition in order to open, something Peter could pull off since he resembles his father. With their next stop being Cairo, Teresa and Peter have many more questions about why their parents split them up. Emile admits that he didn’t know Richard and Mary had a daughter and suggests the answers to their questions might be found at the Parker’s safe house. He gives them the address and sends them on their way. After the Parkers are gone, Emile takes the teacup Teresa drank from and seals it in a plastic bag.

Cairo

Atop of a massive office building, Mentallo pleads with the Kingpin to let him go, thinking that he has done everything he’s been asked. However, the Kingpin tells Melvin that he still has a need for him still. He reminds Flum that they have Teresa to deal with. That’s when Fisk is informed that the Parkers are on the move again.

Switzerland

Peter and Teresa have just arrived at their parent’s safe house, a log cabin on a snowy mountain pass. Getting inside they are amazed by all of the artifacts inside, including photos of their parents and Peter, yet none of Teresa. Peter hopes to find something among his parent’s effects that can tell him why he is so into science. As he looks around he inadvertently activates a holographic computer system. It asks him to provide finger, retinal, and voice verification in order to open a file on something called “Reich’s Hope”. Just as Emile suspected, Peter’s fingerprints, retinal scan, and voiceprint are all similar enough to his father’s that it allows him access to the file. The computer pulls up a map of the area around the Sphinx in Cairo, pinpointing the location of the long-lost Nazi bunker. Teresa suggests they go, but Peter wants to look around for a little bit longer.

That’s when his spider-sense detects a coming helicopter. Sensing danger, Peter suddenly grabs Teresa and runs to the door as the chopper fires missiles at the cabin, reducing it to flaming rubble. The blast sends the pair over a cliff, but Peter manages to grab his sister and cling to the side. Seeing his Spider-Man costume under his shredded clothing, Teresa suddenly knows her brother’s secret. Before he pulls themselves up, Teresa risks losing her grip to grab a baby photo of Peter that is fluttering in the wind.

Cairo

Although Peter had to ditch his Spider-Man costume in Switzerland, Teresa managed to arrange for a replacement by the time they get to Cairo, a replica of his black-and-white costume. Peter insists that they go after the treasure, rationalizing that whoever was trying to get at him is going to try and make a play for it. Peter has changed into his costume by the time they have arrived. Peter quickly finds the doorway to the access tunnel. There they find the Kingpin and his men waiting for them. The Kingpin, is surprised to see Spider-Man, moreover, seeing him unmasked he is also surprised to find out that Peter Parker and Spider-Man are the same person.

The Kingpin then orders Mentallo to drop the mental cloak hiding his army. Fisk then orders Parker to open the bunker or they will kill his sister. However, Peter doesn’t believe that Teresa is his sister. The Kingpin is impressed that Parker was able to deduce this and orders Mentallo to shut off his perception filter. Sure enough, the uncanny resemblance between Teresa and Peter suddenly disappears. The Kingpin says her name is actually Teresa Durand and that she was a helpless dupe forced to do his bidding. Teresa refuses to believe this and she pulls out her baby photo as proof. However, when they look at it now, it is a blank photograph. The Kingpin explains that Mentallo was mentally linked with the pair the whole time and everything Teresa knew about Richard and Mary Parker was skimmed from Peter’s own mind.

Still, despite this deception, the Kingpin knows Spider-Man won’t let them kill an innocent woman and orders him to open the bunker. The Kingpin explains that he is going to leave the people of Cairo to deal with the robot while he takes the gold. With no other choice, Peter stands under biometric scanner, causing the door to open. This also activates the massive Sleeper robot and it blasts off on a massive glider. Spider-Man fires a web-line at it and hitches a ride. While Spider-Man starts trashing the robots internal components, Teresa makes a run for it, knocking out Mentallo as she flees. Ultimately, Spider-Man damages the robot enough to make it crash. Crawling out of the rubble, the wall-crawler is then attacked by the Kingpin who is furious that his enemy has foiled his plans once again. Spider-Man knocks him out with a single punch. However, as Peter limps away, the Kingpin recovers and tries to shoot Spider-Man in the back.

Luckily, Teresa arrives and puts a gun to the Kingpin’s head. Seeing her do this, Peter tries to convince her not to take Fisk’s life. Teresa on the other hand doesn’t believe they have a connection anymore and doesn’t have to live by his rules. That’s when the Kingpin knocks the gun away from his temple, making Teresa accidentally shoot Spider-Man in the shoulder. Before the Kingpin can do anything else, Mentallo — who is finally free — uses his mental powers to make everyone blackout. Spider-Man is the first to wake up and he discovers Mentallo in a catatonic state. When he wakes up Teresa, she doesn’t remember who he is.

Peter has changed out of his costume when her CIA handlers arrive. Luckily Mentallo’s mindwipe made everyone forget that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, however, the Kingpin managed to get away. Later, Teresa is sending Peter on a flight home, after thanking him for his help, she tells Peter that his parents would be proud. As for the Kingpin? He was made to forget that he ever recruited Mentallo and now searches for Marvin Flumm in the desert so he can help him recover Nazi gold.

Epilogue, Then

Years ago, Richard and Mary Parker are spending time at their safe house in Switzerland. Mary’s mind is on their son, Peter and wonders if he would ever understand the choices they have made in their lives. Richard assures his wife they won’t be spies forever and it’ll just be them, the “Three Parkereenos” as he puts it. Mary asks him if he’s so certain it’s going to be just three and makes him feel her belly. Richard is pleasantly surprised to discover his wife is pregnant with their second child.

Epilogue, Now

Emile Chigaru does a DNA test on the tea cup that Teresa drank from during her visit. The results are very interesting to him and he wonders what to make of them…[4]

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Teresa Parker, Kingpin, Mentallo, Cyclone, Sleeper Robot, Aunt May, (in flashback) Richard Parker, Mary Parker, Hydra

Continuity Notes

  1. The Kingpin had to flee his New York criminal empire when it was torn down by the Doc Ock Spider-Man in Superior Spider-Man #14.

  2. As far as Peter knows at this point, this is the truth. See Amazing Spider-Man Annual #5.

  3. Captain America has destroyed many Sleeper robots in his time. See Tales of Suspense #72-74, Captain America #101-102, 389-393, 409-410, and Captain America (vol. 5) #20-21.

  4. The truth of Teresa Parker is somewhat mired in mystery. Evidence uncovered in Spectacular Spider-Man #302 suggests that she is truly the daughter of Richard and Mary Parker. However, this has been thrown into question in Giant-Size Amazing Spider-Man: The Chameleon Conspiracy #1, where the Finisher and the Chameleon threw all of this into question by suggesting Teresa is actually part of a cell of Chameleons who were trained to assume identities so completely that their espionage objectives are unknown. While as of this writing (June 2021), Teresa has rejected this idea and it has yet to be verified if there is any truth to these claims.

Topical References

  • Dated pop-culture references: Channing Tatum

Minimum Carnage: Omega #1

Minimum Carnage: Omega #1

Inhumanity: Superior Spider-Man #1

Inhumanity: Superior Spider-Man #1